I’ve just made a total boo-boo

I text Ben this blog address! I am kinda hoping he doesn’t read it, seeing as he is kinda computer-stupid and he won’t want his girlfriend to check the address, or his mates to read it. So its looking good kids. He won’t talk to me again I don’t think after this, so i suppose I better just get on with it. I can’t beg (again) So sorry if you are reading this, which I doubt. This situation gets worse and worse and it’s all my doing again. I should just listen to him when he says stop texting me! How sad do i sound? Ha. I’ve decided I’m going to try and be a writer of some sorts, seeing as my Law degree went to ruins, well, seriously bored me silly. I feel like an idiot if he does read this. It’s like a diary, I would never say this to anyone especially stuff about him, and I’ve gone on and on, but he knows that I’m like that. What a fucking idiotic tramp. I’m gonna be so embarrassed if he does.

X

Currently listening to: Damien Rice – Accidental Babies/9 Crimes

Where to begin …

I suppose I should start with my story. I am a “normal” 22 year old student, studying at an undisclosed University, reading English and missing someone. You may wonder why I bring that other fact in so suddenly, well I suppose its because this certain someone is always on my mind. The significance of this recent love?
I never met him.
It all began about 7 months ago, an innocent encounter, well perhaps not so innocent as we were both with other people, over a mobile internet chat room. Two false names. Him Jamie, Me Sophie. No other reason to talk except horniess/boredom. The usual sexual pleasantries. Phone numbers exchanged we carried on casually texting, and somehow it escalated into this. A sore heart. One may wonder why I’m choosing to bore people with this story, or even why you are reading it? Because I have nobody else to talk to about this. How do you even begin to explain a tangled web like this, without the risk of looking like a complete saddo and the expected disbelief? You can’t. So for all this time its been hidden.
Now dont get me wrong, if one of my friends were to tell me that they had gotten themselves in this predicament i probably would have jested, yelled GET OVER IT over and over in my head while they were lamenting their lost love, so how the hell am i here? and why????
He was in a loveless (on his part) relationship with a woman(duh), living with her, and he was exactly my type of guy. Then again thats what he told me. I thought he was gorgeous, he never believed me. I’ve never wanted to kiss someone more in my life. Stubborn by nature, oh my god so stubborn, but still no matter how many phone calls he ignored (he hated talking on the phone) or texts he chose to abruptly reply to, while i was chatting crap to him, I still wanted him. And was interested.
You probably are thinking right now what a sap, what a mug, what a whining fool, why doesnt she just meet up with him? As well as thinking, Jesus, she said she was an English student, she doesnt write like one. Where are her apostrophe’s? Ha.
Well the thing is. I can’t meet him. Ever. Why?
Because I sent him a picture in the first instance of someone that wasn’t me. Why I did this I have no fucking idea?!?! But I suppose I didnt want a stranger to have my photo. But I had no idea the stranger would turn out to be the person I want to be with more than any other person. in the whole world. Amen. Argggggh!!!!!!!! I don’t even know why? I’m good looking, and I say that with just a hint of vanity.
I understand this man, and he understands me. He’s told me he’s leaving to live in Canada if I didn’t pull through for him this time when we were supposed to meet him. Oh, didnt I tell you that? I’ve arranged and let him down to meet up many many times, backing out at the last minute, until the last time, when I pretended to be somebody else my friend (don’t ask) that he’s told me, and I quote my gorgeous Mr who was always telling me I would change my mind when I met him, ” never ever text me,” and answering the phone to me in a tone I knew what was coming, “What? What a liar. What a liar.”
So what do I do?
If only my blog ended with “Reader, I married him.” as it did for little Jane Eyre. Don’t want actual marriage!
Why did I lie to him? Can you really feel like this for someone you’ve never met?I feel like a desperate woman but this man turns me on, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special, he loves me. For God’s sakes Ive masturbated thinking about him. A lot. Ewww, is that too much information?!
He was going to change his life for me. But I just let him down. Badly this time. When I was pretending to be my friend, trying to put him off going to the hotel I’d told him I’d booked, he said in no uncertain terms how much he thought of me. And this is not a man that is at ease with the words.
Guys, help. Why am I such a big loser? A really big fucking loser with a cherry on top?

Nothin’ but love!
X

I’m back after a long time …

Hello everyone,

I haven’t been on here for months, and it seems that I want to come on here when I’ve been through a trauma. Well, my recent trauma is that the guy that I’ve been seeing and am completely in love with, has told me that he now wants to settle down with someone that lives closer to him as we live three hours away. Just to clarify, he hasn’t got a new girlfriend- but could potentially have one soon. I’m not joking I think about him 24/7 , I think about being in bed with him, about having his kids, kissing him, marrying him… he is on my brain constantly, you know that thing when people say that they love the bones of someone well I love the bones of him. Our relationship has been tumultuous to say the least over the few months we have been together, up and down, up and down, but I seriously love this man. We have a connection. Things got a little crazy over the last month, we broke up properly and aren’t back together now, but still in this haze of, do we love each other or not??? He broke up with me to clarify, my lovely man.

I am so jealous of the thought of him wanting to start a family with someone else. He feels like the one, he’s just so lovely, I could cry. I have cried though, a fucking lot, and made such an enormous fool of myself, so much so that he has changed his number to escape from me, I still don’t know his number. What should I do? I’ve said in every single way i can imagine that I love him, but he just doesn’t seem to hear it. I mean it though, he is the one man I want and the one man that it seems like I cannot have. At any cost. And I seriously hate it.

Any ideas????

Much love,

S x

New Times

Hey everyone

Its been a very long time since I posted on here, mainly because I’ve been busy with my studies and being on here kinda reminded me of all the drama I created for myself with regards to Ben and since then another boy, called Mark who’s relationship I kind of destroyed after her told me after four months that HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. Seriously what is wrong with me? After all I am attracting, and admittedly do fall for these men for a reason, its pathetic. I must be pathetic. Am I???

He hasn’t spoken to me since, and he is still with his girlfriend. I should have dumped him the second I found out instead of carrying it on. What a donkey dick. Arrrrgh.

Anyway, what lovely weather, looking forward for the summer to come, uni to finish and the good times to begin.

XOXO

Old friends

My word, I haven’t written on here for a little while, perhaps because my life seems to be a little more calm these days? Well i say calm but what I really mean is that my boy troubles (or man troubles) seem a little better now. How good is it though, when you log in and see people have left comments? I sort of love that a little bit. So, a relative update on my life at the moment… U.N.I.

Thats it. It takes over everything, consumes all crevices of life, well, some are still private! So, my workload is increasing, as is my sex drive. I always find that the more you have, the more you want. So, i find myself busy at all times. Day and Night. My new sexy partner is very complimentary, and after being fucked around even non-verbally by the aforementioned Bugger, that is Ben, I find him just really horny and fun to be with. Now, I don’t see it as a relationship, I dont really want one of them, but for the moment its fun to be really randy and rude with someone who wants it back.

I don’t speak to Ben anymore. OR rather he doesnt speak to me. He won’t seeing as he won’t give me his number anymore. Boo to you too. That’s what hurts the most, I still think about him sometimes, but I do have distractions. Sexual ones. Ooh la la.

X

Pardon my ignorance?

But with the election and all the furore that came with, but I feel like I’m only just getting to know about Proposition 8. Now, I’m English and coverage isn’t great over here, but seriously can’t we just live and let live? I don’t know that many gay men or women but in my eyes, the love they share is not lesser than the love between a hetero couple. And I’m sorry but the amount of Christian babble that comes up on my tag surfer is starting to offend me, it always starts with something like God loves us all, or Jesus for all(if you follow our rules.) Now, don’t get me wrong I am aware I just said live and let live, and am sure there is a hint of hypocrisy in my words there, but aren’t Christians supposed to love their brothers and sisters?

I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic background, and as a result despite the respect I have for religious peoples, be it Muslims, Sikhs, Christians or ahem, Scientologists, no scrap the last one, I am not religious. I believe in a God. But I’m not sure where He is, and why he isn’t sorting this world that is so messed up out? With regards to the original idea for this particular post, I feel for the same sex couples that just want the same rights as “normal” couples, or in this case, the right to marry be unchallenged. They are not disgusting people, full of sin and disregard for the traditional morals of society as some people I know seem to believe, but people deserving of love, in whichever form they desire. Some of you Americans make my blood boil! You really do!

X

Reasons why I hate winter when i’m single

1) Nobody to stay in with… yes I’m having sex at the moment but that doesn’t count, it’s not like being in love with somone (even though I am) and doing whatever takes your fancy

2) Going shopping with someone, being treated, and being cosy with him; how cheesy?

3) Being excited to wake up with him on christmas day, even if you’re not spending the day together.

So, they may be the only reasons I can think of right now? But still they’re pretty valid I think. My ex who I was really in love with, or so I thought, well I saw him at a party last night with some date he brought with him. She seemed quite pretty, so I just got more and more drunk, to the point where he came over and asked me how I was. Yep, not a good idea. I believe I told him pretty much everything that I had kept hidden since we’ve broken up. That I still loved him. Even though I’m not sure if I do. I really want to leave I can’t even explain it, I’m just sick of seeing the same people and old faces all the time, as much as I love my friends, I just don’t feel happy here anymore. I want to go and live with Ben, but I think we’d be one of those couples that don’t mix their friends much. It would be so nice though, but seeing as he might be in jail soon I don’t think it’s a good idea to make too many plans at the moment. Nope, I’m not gonna do that one. I know I must seem very confused, cos I am! thats why! Ooooh, i got my nose pierced on Thursday, and I love it. I’m thinking about what other ones I can get now.

My sex friend situation is going quite well, but he keeps calling me baby. And I don’t like it. And he cuddles all the time, which I’m not into. I like sex and love to be clean cut. If I’m not in love with someone I don’t like the sex to be like we are. Does that make sense? Lately I’ve been feeling quite …. broody. And I didn’t think I’d feel like this for a long time, until I was at least 30. I don’t know whose baby I want. But I want one. Anyone want to come father my child? I’m not too young for a baby.

And yes, I do realise that my blog is very random! But thats how I like it,

LoveLoveLove

X

Why am I still thinking about him?

So, today I got a text from Ben after a few days of not speaking at all. I had text him when I was drunk to say I’d met someone else anyway so he should leave me alone. And he goes onto say that he’s glad I’ve met someone even though, its a shame I didn’t go to see him this weekend. Yes, yes it is I agree babe. I know nothing will happen now, that’s the thing I just want it to be like it used to be between us. But it can’t/ I havent even met someone else its just sex. just shagging. It doesn’t mean anything and it won;t when he’s still the one I want. I know I’m being stupid because at the end of the day he isn’t my boyfriend and never was, but I miss him! It hurts! It sucks! I called my new sex friend last night when I was a little tipsy and told him a fantasy of mine while I was sitting 6 feet away from my friends, and it got me so horny; he told me he’ll help me out with it. As a favour to a friend of course.

Basically, my new big thing is that I’d like to be blindfolded. Rip my tights off and put them over my eyes. Please. So, I’m standing in front of him with my eyes covered, I can’t really tell where he is. He comes over and takes down my bra straps, gently cupping my tits, I’m feeling myself getting wet. Then he takes my bra and pants off, leaving my stockings and heels on. Naked. I reach my hand down to rub my already wet and throbbing pussy; wanting him to take me right there in his office. I suddenly feel a pair of hands on my bottom, then spreading my legs a little wider and start to eat my pussy, nice and slowly. Gently. I start fiercely rubbing my tits and nipples, moaning, turning myself on thinking about the situation until I feel someone grip my hips and my head being pushed down as well as me getting on my hands on knees. When I settle again, my mind boggles, what’s going on? I feel a cock, definately a cock, start to stroke up and down my pussy, spreading my wetness on my cunt to my arse. And I wait. Then I sniff and smell the undeniable juice of a woman, right by my nose and instinctively stick my tongue out for a taste. I get really into it, and he’s getting off on it my friend, he starts spanking my naughty little bottom, and then slips it in. It feels big inside my pussy, hitting the spot almost right away. I lick even harder and faster and in all the right places. She’s getting off, I feel her tighten up on my tongue, pushing my tongue inside her, while he fucks me, we’re in sync with each other. We all cum. He shoots it inside me, her cum on my tongue. Feeling really good the blindfold comes off, and I’m shocked to see him sitting fully clothed with his hands down his trousers and the guy who just fucked me with a smirk on his face, knowing I’ve been tricked. But I like it. Naughty boy.

10 things I like in bed …

1) Waking up to a boner; in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning, I’m not fussy

2) When you’re so fucking horny anything goes, and I mean anything

3) For some reason, when I’m masturbating a gentle or sometimes not so gentle hand on my tits really gets me off

4) Being called a dirty girl/naughty/bitch/whore/slut/dirty bitch and any other combination of the aforementioned

5) Being really pounded and then really slow intimate sex

6) When he cums in my mouth/tits/pussy/ass/face/stomach

7) Knowing hes completely in charge

Slipping a naughty finger inside him, and knowing he’ll never admit to liking it, even though it’s just made him cum all the more

9) Being slapped around, tossed around, used and abused, knowing he’s just got to have me

10) That connection that you just can’t fake, when you blurt out that you love someone just when you’re about to cum, the spooning afterwards. Being in love.

X

Something rather marvellous happened last night

I got fucked. Oh yes, and the sheer feeling of being touched by someone else’s hands meant that I was pretty much gagging for his cock before he was even out of his clothes. Now I would like to add however that this was not some random man I happened to pull, but an old acqaintance shall we say, and he has a rather large member. Oh i enjoyed it rather a lot; we both knew what was to happen before even the first time we kissed last night. He said later on, post-coital hugging and all that, that he could tell by the look in my eye that i wanted it.

Now, I won’t bore you with all the details, I’m sure most of you are getting regular sex with partners(booooo hiss to all those ones that are) but still the touch of his cold fingers on my warm, shaven wet pussy was too much to bear. It was an excruiciatingly slow orgasm, in hindsight now, so much better to have it drawn out, but at the time i wanted him to fuck me the second he started stroking. He’s coming over again tonight, he’s really cute, tall, big shoulders and arms, a bit like Ben, but I don’t talk about him these days. I might think about him, but no talking is allowed. I can’t believe how horny I was for sex last night, it was unbearable; the feeling of a man on top of me, oh my. We fucked like rabbits for hours, he was exhausted, said he couldn’t believe he had to go and pretend to be a real lawyer in the morning, I’d done him in. Well, he obviously liked it, my mouth and pussy said he did, and the fact he’s coming back over tonight. I forgot what he was like in bed, very thoughtful, into pleasing me first. I don’t want to get too involved though. That wouldn’t be good, he’s just got out of a long-term relationship with a horsey looking woman. Well I say horsey but the posh ones always do resemble our four hoofed friends don’t they? He said she was very nice but wanted marriage and babies far too soon, and sorry but he is just not into that right now. The opposite to me apparantley this woman, I can see why. Wouldn’t taste his spunk, a little frigid, the usual stuff, I’m sure shes lovely and will meet someone who deserves her, not a man who just wants to play about.

So, his cock, seriously about 9 inches, he told me this with pride. I met him when I was 18, him 23 at the time. Treated me like a mistress, naive me didn’t realise this was because I actually was his mistress! He forgot to mention the fact he was living with someone. There’s something about him though, very good looking, too good looking. Charming. Sexy, enough to get me to take my panties off in the bar and give him them. I wonder what his game is.

Tried to push the full length of his cock in my mouth, from the head to his balls. Struggled to do this, I must be honest, got about 3/4 of the way which seemed to be okay for him, more than okay in fact he came down my throat in five minutes. Told me I drove him wild. He wanted to fuck me from behind in front of a mirror, kinky boy. I liked it. He used to like to watch me touch myself, I remember that, so when he was washing his face last night I kept the bedroom door open, pulled back the cover and masturbated, trying to look as sexy as possible, he got hard within seconds he said, what a naughty girl I was. He was going to have to spank me for that.

It doesn’t seem real … it was that good of a night … my poor vagina’s dry spell is well and truly over.

Hallelujah.

X

For the first time in my life… I wish I was American!

I am so excited and just nervous about the result. And am rooting for Obama! If he was to win, it is a moment in history that we all have been part of and watched. McCain is like Bush, I justhope the stupid part (no offence) of America either stays home and doesn’t vote or goes for Barry as I like to call him. That is all.

X

Its completely over and done with now

I can’t go and see him on Friday, so that’s it. He told me that, so it’s not like it’s a surprise, just a bit sad I think. It makes me look like such a fucking idiot, because the next part of the story is that he’s got a new phone, that I don’t know. And won’t know the number. I told him to just wait a few weeks, when I start my new job, but he doesn’t trust me and won’t wait, he’s too stubborn. So that’s it. Actually and completely over. What a fucking idiot I am. I actually cried yesterday over this recent development. It is my own fault for messing him around the other week, but I actually WANT to see him now. This situation sucks. It sucks donkey cock. And Balls. And he know’s what I’m going through at the moment, which is totally unrelated to him and still he did this. It makes me wonder whether he ever cared for me like he said he did, because I wouldn’t just ignore him. I know why he’s doing it, and it does make it easier in the long run, I won’t be ale to do the whole drunken texts or any texts for that matter. But it just doesn’t feel very nice at the moment. I literally feel like I’ve been dumped. I know he loves me. Loved me. It does make the cut off a lot easier, maybe its a blessing in disguise? No, it’s not actually. It’s mean. And quite frankly I don’t need it at the moment. Why am I still thinking about him? I know the feeling was mutual, it’s his decision I can’t stalk him. Why?Why?Why?

I feel like shit. I just want to mope about and feel sorry for myself. When it happened I text him two weeks ago today, and he replied Are you taking the piss? That’s not what someone that cares about you says when you tell them the news I told him. And sorry, I don’t want to discuss it with the group. But it really isn’t. He said I love you first, not me. I just have to forget about him now. If I mention him in my next few blogs, feel free to cyber spank me very very hard.

And to top it all off, I have Cystitis. Great.

X

More on Sasha Grey

Just watching a video now from PornHub. And God, she makes me really horny. She looks like she literally does not give a fuck, she is a bit of a screamer but you know, we can’t have everything. She’s got this cute little pussy, and type of eyes and mouth you know exactly what she’s thinking! Oooh she’s a real dirty girl, but from what I’ve read about her it’s not just sex she’s good at, but films too? I think thats right. She’s not just your average porn star, I watched a clip of her fucking this black guy, and them both using the N word. Obviously it was for effect, and he was asking her to say it while he fucked her, with his rather large dick might I add. It was quite a good little film, very horny; uber horny infact. I masturbated using my fingers watching it. I wanted to sit beside them on the bed, watching right by her pussy as he fucked her hard. At one point she runs away from his cock like she can’t take anymore!

I need sex tonight. Yum. I have a few options but don’t think I’ll pursue them, that’s a little bit bad. That’s why people need fuck buddies. I used to have one, and then it turned sour when he started to call me baby and asking me to hold his hand and cuddle. Erm, no. You’re not my boyfriend. Or didn’t you know? I really to get fucked soon, I’ve been quite sexual from an early age, I started exploring my body when I was about 13. God, that sounds really young now, but I was quite well developed too. I’m thinking about someone starting at my feet, with my hands tied to the bed, and slowly, very slowly and gently kissing every inch of my legs and thighs. I’m panting and moaning already, begging him to lick me. I want to beg for it. To be that horny I am just begging for a cock or finger or tongue. Then he opens up my thighs and my lips and starts to slowly dip his tongue inside my pussy and I am twisting and kicking my legs, wrapping them around his neck to try and get him to tongue me faster and closer. Him laughing at how wet I am, tormenting me. Pinching my nipples. Hard. Then him coming up to kiss me while his hard cock is stroking up and down my slit, I can see in his face how much he wants to fuck me but he’s waiting. Rubbing his cock from the entrance of my pussy to my clit, my hands tied, unable to do anything. Waiting to be fucked. Then the exquisite forcing of the cock. I’d cum all over him inside me. Mmmmm. I’m wet now … what to do?

X

Does anyone else agree?

That Seth Rogen is really hot! He’s not my usual type but he just look’s like such a fun guy to be with, and he is cute. I would kiss his face off! He’s just so funny, Knocked up is so funny. I sound like I’ve got a crush, oh God.

X

Sasha Grey

Is fucking hot. Id like a go with her. Her skin is gorgeous, and her tits. That’s all.

X

Bored and still slightly hungover.

Had a really good night last night. Until I got hold of my phone. Somehow, when I’m drunk I feel the need to text. Why the hell I do this I don’t know? I’m a happy drunk, kind of get a little frisky, but a happy frisky drunk! Texted Ben some abuse as per usual. Oops-a-daisy. I text something really bad though, and he wasn’t happy, I don’t blame him. If he’d said that to me I’d have punched his face in. And I’m not even aggressive! I’m kinda bored today, that type of bored where nothing is good enough, argh that type of boredom makes me mad. I need someone to torment when I’m like this and I can think of a perfect victim right now. Pity he live’s far away ! I don’t know if he does or not, I’m so confused. I sleep late. It’s a habit I should try and break but lately I’ve got too much on my mind, and am still feeling pretty empty, not really sure how to explain it. And no, I’m not feeling this way over a boy. I wish I was.

Random men on night’s out are so funny. As long as you’re not left alone with them and they are blatantly trying to ply you with drinks, kosher or not. Being Halloween and all, my costume did look pretty good I must admit. I don’t know why halloween = slutty costume these days. Thats not what Halloween is about people!

I don’t want anything else tonight over than a kiss and cuddle. Is that sad? Although, im sure I could be persuaded! By the right person that is. It’s doing my head in. Literally. I WANT a kiss and to spoon in bed! Purleaseeeeeeee. Miaow. Random?

Aaah today I became a published author, I’m in a book and everything. A real one. Tangent Poetry for our times, Bloomsbury England publications, 2008, page 78! Check me out in a few weeks. Proud much?

I’m going to bed with an Earl Grey tea and a dvd. Alone. He’s probably in bed by now with her. Booooooo. Stupid woman. Stupid man. If she’s boring just fuck off?

I really want a kiss. I’m sick of kissing random men. Even if they are good-looking. Dull Dull Dull. And why do they think that that automatically means they’re coming home with me. And they call you a prick-tease? I never said I was shagging you!!! My housemate is a bit of a screamer and her room is on top of mine. It’s getting quite comical, I’m not a screamer you see. I know orgasms are amazing and all, but that is just excessive. No love, that does not make you a porn star! I want to fall asleep with his arms around me, and I’m not even a snuggly type of person. But I can change, if I need to.

X

I am so pissed off

Going out in an hour for halloween and I’ve decided I actually hate Ben. He won’t text me back and he won’t even read this cos he’s a thick piece of shit, so I actually don’t care anymore. Maybe I’ll meet someone tonight? Byes!!! I’m already quite pissed so I don’t know how I’m typing but I am somehow. Why can’t he just text me once to say fuck off or to say bye? He just doesn’t give a shit and I hate him for it. He’s just mean. I’m not even in a good mood to go out. I wanna go to bed and have sleep time. Alone. Or do I?

drama drama drama

So, I’ve been in quite regular contact with the B man all day, and it hasn’t been good. I don’t know if something has finally switched in my head, or I’m just having a really pissy cold day, but for the first time in a long time, I just don’t care. He put the phone down on me, when I said hey, it’s me. And the cause for his recent cooling down, I can’t afford to go and see him in the next couple of days. He is such a spoiled brat. Really spoiled though. He won’t ever believe me when I speak now anyway, so what’s the point? It is quite ironic that now I actually want to see him, and physically CAN(!) he’s gone all sour on me. I mean as soon as I had the money I would see him, that’s not enough for him. Does he care about me, or and this is my current theory about him, does he not care anymore because he hasn’t gotten his way? He know’s I’ve got troubles lately at home, real ones and if the situation was reversed I would try and forgive him. At least I think I would. Even just be fakely nice to him, and see how he was. He makes me feel so arggggh all the time. I should probably just forget about him and get on with things, cos at the end of the day, he isn’t mine anyway and I’m sure he doesn’t fancy me! Boo.

I shouldn’t have ever let it go this far.

Spent the evening a little tipsy after a day hunting for material for halloween costumes, and I’m tired. I’m going to a party as a witch, I unfortunately don’t have to try too hard with the theme, I am already a witch or was that a bitch. I can’t remember now. Too tired to cum? Yep. I think so. Is it sad that I actually wish Ben would text me more? What am I doing it’s not like I’m short of offers from other eligible chaps?

X

Just wondering

Who is reading my blog? Did you look for the sex tag? Or did you stumble upon it? Seeing as Im new to blogging (3 days and counting) it’d be quite nice to see what type of people and readers I’m attracting. Ben is out with his friends, therefore all life outside of that lager/coke(unfortunately)/pool bubble does not exist right now. His phone’s off. I’ve already tried, but he did have the courtesy to tell me his battery was about to go.

I’m going to masturbate to some porn now I’ve done all my work. What a good girl I am. Haha. What type of porn though? Any suggestions, guys? I can’t believe I have to go and pretend to be a proper student tomorrow with my head as mixed up as it is. I can’t do anymore than I have though with Ben,I’ve come clean. Its his turn now. With Emma. Oh yeah, thats his girlfriend! I wont be second best to anyone.

Lots of Love,

redblossom88. Big guns.

Done it.

Ive just sent him a picture its not even the best one but oh my god. im going to die if he doesnt like me.

X

Shit Shit Shit

Ben just text me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wants me to send a real picture of myself. I can’t what if he doesnt fancy me. I cant. I just cant do it. Help!!!!!! Im panicking so badly. Said he smashed his phone up so he only just got my texts. What should I do????? Im so scared he won’t fancy me. Then Im fucked. And i’ll be so embarrassed. Oh fuck me. No

X

Distracted

I should really be doing work for a seminar tomorrow about disorder in Ireland but find myself chatting to a guy called Matt who informs me, his house is free if i want to come over and make the most of it. Of course Im umming and ahhhing about it, but i have no intention of going there. None. He’s a good looking guy dont get me wrong, but the arrival of my flow stops me, no actually its not just the dreaded red thats stopping me. I just don’t want his cock. But Im going to masturbate. Is that a bit wrong do you think? to touch yourself while bleeding? Ewww. Crude is not my middle name ladies and gents.

I would like a big dick inside me though. I wonder if lesbians, real lesbians miss the feeling. I know they use dildos, double ended ones, strap ons etc etc etc but nothing beats the feeling of being fucked by a real live hard dick. But lesbian sex is something else. My experiences have been tender and Ive been strangely emotionally touched, the orgasm generally a lot more intense. I miss being touched. Not even just sexually. I mean hugging in bed, spooning, holding hands, gentle kisses and caresses. Anyone wanna come and be my own personal hugger?

Im just whining and pining. Ignore me. Please.

Im contemplating going to see him. I dont know how his phone wont even ring, im sure he’s changed his number, but i dont know going where he lives, as i vaguely know. What am i going to achieve? I dont know. But at least I’ll feel like I’ve done something. I used to know exactly how to piss him off. Tell him seeing as he wouldn’t leave his girlfriend I’d go out and get fucked by someone else. Why did i used to do that? I liked pissing him off especially about other men. He didnt like to think of me with anyone else. I want him to lick every inch of my body. He wanted me to cum on his tongue, he wanted to see me close up, he’d never done that before. I wanted to get so wet and horny we were both begging each other to fuck. Like in the movies, i know it would have been like that. I just know.

I love this man still. And am so frustrated with the whole drama that I’ve fucking created.

Why?Why?Why?

X

Interesting article

I read a really interesting article online recently about lap dancers and menstruation. Basically a study found that women who were menstruating or were due to in a couple of days, attracted more men than the ones who were not. It went on to say that the smell of the women’s natural scent is what attracted the men, and that despite the males not even being aware of the red problem they found the women more sexual, fertile and primatively attractive. What does this say about men and women? Are we really still prone to those animalistic ways of selection? Even from lap dancers.

It made me think about a podcast I used to listen to every now and then. One such episode described how the heroine of the show, a naivelondongirl and her friend wanda, were partial to how can i put it, wiping their juices and using them like a perfume. They claimed that these were the times they attracted a notable number of men. Isn’t that strange? I always wanted to try it. Maybe I will one day. Men + women = weird. In my book anyway.

Then for some reason or another I remembered an episode of Sex and the City, where Miranda dates a big guy trying to lose weight, and he goes down on her and then when he’s done, comes straight up for a kiss. Juices and all. The point being is that it is some kind of weird double standard. If my boyfriend wouldn’t kiss me after I’d swallowed his cum, or went down on him, I would be quite offended. Is there basic etiquette rules we should follow in bed? Or is it each to their own?

As much as I like my own taste, Im not sure I want it all over my face. Unless of course that is his pleasure!

X

Busy night

For my blogging that is! Its quite addictive this you know. Just been watching some porn to try and get myself remoted titillated. And it worked. One of my favourite sites is actually a kind of youtube for porn, called pornhub. It has everything mainstream pretty much, which is what I was looking for tonight. Watched a video of a couple, the woman giving her man head while she rubbed her clit intently, and i wondered whether her moans were real? She didnt seem that into it to be honest. He definately was though. I wonder whose idea it was to film? Mmm. Thinking about the offers I’ve recieved for dates and what not, Sexual dalliances if you like. Whether or not to accept.

I much prefer amateur sex/porn to the fake porn actors these days. I understand the appeal of these perfect looking creatures, but sex, is much better when you know its not fake. Porn like that is really just animal lusting, which is sexy too, i get that, but its just kind of standard. Unless of course its specialist. You know that feeling when you’ve just got to have somebody, and you know he or she wants it too, and you rip each others clothes off. If they could capture that moment as it unravels and the steps one generally goes to before the real fucking starts, I would be a happy bunny. But it just doesnt do it for me. Anyone else feel like that? I mean for Gods sakes, the women don’t even look lubricated, or naturally wet. I like it rough as much as the next minx, but is a little KY too much to ask for?

I thought maybe I’d describe myself: I’m about 5′4, size 10 (UK), brunette, big (ish) boobs.

Why can’t I sleep properly these days? Ben would be getting up in four hours for work, me waking up to a text from him telling me to wake up lazybones. I wonder what he’s been doing the last couple of days? I know he was reeling with anger on saturday.

What is with men asking to cum onto our tits? Does it make them feel like real men? Are they branding us? Feel free to explain guys.

X

Everything will be ok

I’m sure of this bold statement. Another bold statement I’m sure of. I’m horny. And thats because I am. Just watched tv with my housemates, and came back to bed alone, and in need of something. I wonder what? Not sure about the whole Ben thing? He says even though he fancies me, he can’t believe how far I took my lie. Not good. I can’t be begging someone to believe that I can be good. Can I?

Got me thinking about some of my fantasies. Though I do think of sex most of the time! And some of the best sex I’ve ever had playing them out. There’s always a worry that they won’t be as good when you actually go through with them, after all, the mind is the biggest sex organ of all.

Number one fantasy of the moment. And this may be a little taboo. But rape. Now, obviously I am aware of the implications of that statement, but surely fantasies cannot be censored? I was talking about this with some friends and we all agreed it was a horny one. As long as they are 16+ of course. I’m lying in bed, and a boyfriend or housemate comes in after a night out, wanting sex, only I don’t. So he tells me I’m going to get it. It, of course being exactly what I want. Then he proceeds. Why does that make me horny? I think the control factor is the big thing for me. If a man tells me exactly what to do, to myself or to him, I can’t help but feel myself getting wetter and wetter.

One of the sex marathons of my life being when a boyfriend, having not seen me for over 3 months after I had been travelling in Vietnam ravaged me within an inch of my life. Desire overtook him in the most unfortunate of places;airport toilets, the taxi queue, I miss those days. When we got home going and seeing my parents was the last thing on my mind. He made love to me and he fucked me. And trust me those two things are different. And man, did he fuck me hard? Yes yes yes. I must have came at least 8 times in that sex fest. He was the type of guy I knew what he wanted, he knew I knew what he wanted but he would never be the one to suggest us trying it. He tied me to the four-poster bed in his parent’s house, legs and arms, covered my eyes and proceeded to lick me, tease me, touch me, fuck me as he pleased and when he pleased. Cumming over my body, I had no control over what he did and where he did it, completely submissive to this man. I still think about that day. It still makes me wet. He fucked me with a banana that day and made me eat it after it had been inside me. He loved watching my pussy tighten around a dildo, or his fingers, or indeed any object he could find that looked remotely phallic. Mmmm. Men.

X

So i’m still thinking at 12AM

Having just finished a phone call resulting in me cumming down the phone to one of my potential new suitors, who wants, and i quote, “to take you out for dinner. and stuff”. Hmmmm. I find myself thinking about men. And women. I can handle the sexy side of life, that to me is easy. Sex buddies. Fuck buddies. Love bunnies. Booty calls. Whatever you want to call it. Casual sex. Why does the relationship stuff fuck me up? Im generous with my love for friends and family if that makes sense. But it seriously takes a lot for me to muster up the courage to say, I love you. It is a cliche, I do admit that, but getting hurt or the prospect of getting hurt really SCARES me. I’d rather just say fuck it, Im done, than risk it. At the end of the day, Im not going to be someone else’s emotional punch bag. And why is it that just when you’re at your weakest, a blast from the past comes back into your life, in my case my ex. We told each other we’d avoid contact, it being too hard to hear from each other now we’re not as close as we used to be. But he seems to be quite forgetful when it comes to promises he makes. He wanted to tell me how when we broke up, he spent the whole time fucking other women because he wanted to hurt me, and “fill the empty void where his heart used to be, before i tore it out.” Thanks Jay. 

Sexual fantasies. I find them spilling out of my mouth, but get me in bed and ask me about what im worried about, or what im feeling right now, with only the two of us in bed, and I choke. Sometimes i do ask myself if other people view me as someone quite “slutty.” Ooh what a charming word And by other people i of course mean other women. Not really caring too much about the answer after all, who cares? People who really know you and love you for the person you are, no matter how cheesy that sounds are all that matter. Im not wasting my youth worrying about what people I have little regard for anyway think of me. Nope. WONT DO IT!

Is Ben thinking about me? He told me he thought about me all the time. As i did him. Maybe this is one of those loves that older people are always telling you you learn from. I hope so.

With regards to my blog, I dont care if im writing to a thousand people or two? Im finding it quite thereuptic just writing what Im feeling, without having to water it down for friends. You dont know me, i dont know you. And that is the beauty of it, surely. As lovely as you all are im sure lol.

Is that the problem? Am i passed caring? Am i uninterested in everything at the moment? Don’t get me wrong, Im incredibly lucky. Ive a good life, no real worries, good health, great people in my life, am I greedy to expect that the love i want should want me back regardless of the mistakes I have made towards him? I want to be greedy if the answer is: Yes. Im a good person. I deserve a second chance. If he read this what would he think?

Love love love

X

Sitting here right now

I am just longing to be touched. Sometimes I masturbate thinking about strangers cumming on me. In my mouth. Tits. But I suppose the one person I want to do those things to me wont ever. And thats quite sad. Seeing as I’ve been in my non-sex phase for a few months now, all I can think about is cock. And im sorry to be so crude there, but it is true. Just been reading a blog by Bitchy Jones about basically how she loves cock. And Im sorry to say it, but its true of all women. or at least most. Even your mother. Yes, that’s right. Mummy just loves Daddy’s dick inside her!

I just can’t stop thinking about tasting his cum. And I never understood women who won’t do that for their bloke, i mean fair enough the taste is rather gross but the erotic factor is unquestionable. He gets off, therefore if he’s a good guy, somewhere down the line so will you. His cum all over my face, inside my pussy along my crack. He was never allowed to watch porn, and his girlfriend think;s its weird how much he wanks apparently, or even the fact that he was wanking at all considering the fact that she wanted sex all the time and he did not, he said he was not the most highly sexed guy. But he was horny for me. Horny pics of his cock, or wanking in the bath. But was he really horny for me? It was my body in the photos, but not my face. I was horny for him though.

I just tried to call him, went straight to answerphone. Im sure he’s changed his number already? No.

There’s this guy, Tony. Keeps asking to come round to my house to fuck me. It wouldnt mean anything. Is it worth it? A quick shag. Then leaving the next morning. Wants to take me to his house to fuck me with his mate. Erm. Wants me to wear a pair of panties and make myself cum wearing them. Then give them to him as a present and hes gonna wank with them. He wants to smell me on them. Delightful! Shall I just forget Ben? Its hard right now, but I know I’ll get over him. He’s forgotten about me already for fucks sake. Surely I can forget about him just as easily. But what if he hasnt forgotten about me? Hes the one i want inside me. Every night. Then waking up together every morning. Fuck me. Literally!

Am I just being a big pussy? I still want him. Ask me in a week and I’ll see if Ive changed my mind. If not, Im going to find him.

X

Waiting

I hate waiting for anything.
He still hasn’t text me!!!!!!! And I don’t think he ever will. I know he won’t and I’m attempting to write some shitty essay thats due in for tommorrow but I just can’t get my thoughts out of my head. No way is he going to speak to me ever again right?
Any men reading this, and I know that there’s very little! Ha. What would you do if a girl you liked did this to you? Shall I send him a photo of the real me? Or just leave it? Helpppppppp me.
I feel like I’ve got a broken heart and it doesn’t help that Ive dug myself this pit Im in at the moment. Can’t everything be okay again? Please! Don’t you just wish sometimes you could fast forward to a month and see how life is then and if its okay, just stay there. How can I GET OVER HIM???????????and do i want to?
X

I did it

OK
So i realise Im essentially writing to myself, but I told him.
And am waiting for the reply
That won’t come.
Ever.
Shit
Why have I just ruined his image of me forever? Should I have left him that?
Shit. Shit. Shit.
No. Mother always say honesty is the best policy.
And love will conquer all. So lets just hope and pray that he will fancy the pants off the real me. Please. If I didnt feel so heartbroken, I would laugh. Do I need to get a grip?
X

The thing is

This is so unlike me. Before my Mr, I was in love or so I thought with a boyfriend for 3 years. We were as serious as two kids can be. First proper love and all that crap. Why can’t I stop thinking about my special someone? Answers on a postcard people. I want him. I need him. Oh baby. Oh baby.
Even just a text right now would do?
Seeing as he has literally gone MIA on me. I want Ben. How can I get out of this? He told me, he’s going to go and find someone who makes him happy. He thought that might have been me but I make promises I cant keep. Shall I just tell him the truth?

btw, did I mention about my lack of sex in the last couple of months? Oh my. The horniness is relentless.
X